For your reading pleasure, I present to you an entirely 100 percent Charlie Sheen-free column (well, except for the headling and the photo to the left). Don’t say I don’t ever do anything nice for you. And you’re welcome.

Christina Aguilera at the Los Angeles Premiere of BURLESQUE | ©2010 Sue Schneider

‘VOICE’ OF REASON

Singer Christina Aguilera has signed on to be a judge on NBC’s AMERICAN IDOL rip-off THE VOICE. Considering she’s been spending most of her week in front of a judge, this is a big step up for Aguilera. This is great news for the contestants, too. Finally, someone can give them useful real-world advice about how to behave when forgetting the lyrics to the National Anthem, or falling down on stage at the Grammys or getting arrested for public intoxication.

NBC should’ve asked Paula Abdul.

THERE’S NOT PLACE LIKE ‘HOME’

Have you seen that fake movie preview that’s all over the place: TAKE ME HOME TONIGHT? Hilarious … Oh wait, it’s a real movie? My bad.

LET’S ALL GO TO REHAB

Publicity whores Tareq and Michaele Salahi from THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF D.C. have signed on for the next installment of CELEBRITY REHAB. Their addiction? Going on reality shows in a lame attempt to be famous.

Michael Lohan has also signed on for CELEBRITY REHAB. Sources say that Lindsay is “shocked and upset” and that she’s worried he will embarrass the family. Strong words from the girl who has been arrested multiple times for DUIs, drug possession and theft. She’s just jealous because the only TV show she is appearing on these days is COPS.

DANCING WITH THE STARS - Winter 2011 contestants: Kirstie Alley, Hines Ward, Chris Jericho, Wendy Williams, Ralph Macchio, Romeo, "Psycho" Mike Catherwood, Sugar Ray Leonard, Kendra Wilkinson, Chelsea Kane | ©2011 ABC/Adam Larkey

DANCING WITH THE ‘STARS’

DANCING WITH THE STARS announced its new lineup. Of the 11 “stars” competing this year, three of them didn’t require reporters to Google them to figure out who the hell they are. I think that’s a new record for the reality show. Well done, guys.

Speaking of DANCING WITH THE STARS, Bristol Palin is “writing” a memoir titled NOT AFRAID OF LIFE. Seriously, guys, you don’t need to read it. Just rent MOMMIE DEAREST. Oh, I kid. No one is going to read it. Unless it’s about a girl with a dragon tattoo who kicked a hornet’s nest while playing with fire or a poorly written piece of crap about a teenage girl with no personality who hooks up with werewolves and vampires I can’t imagine anyone will be interested.

THE SONG REMAINS THE SAME

Kim Kardashian has released her first single, “Jam”. I wouldn’t call it catchy, so much as contagious. I hear if the single does well she will join Paris Hilton for the “Sex Tape Famous” World Tour. Heidi Montag is the opening act. Consider yourself warned.

It’s really sad. There are so many really talented singers out there that just can’t catch a break, but someone like Kim Kardashian makes a sex tape, so she gets a record deal. She should have to earn it the old-fashioned way … on a singing competition show just like everyone else.

Sonia Mansfield likes to talk smack, make nerdy STAR WARS references and feed her unhealthy obsession with pop culture. Make sure you follow her on Twitter for constant updates or check out her blog, The Sonia Show.

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